Feudal.

One of the things that annoys me most, is the way Lenore eats. She masticates her food with an open mouth, revealing chunks of food. On this occasion, it is fries slathered in tomato ketchup. The red sauce is everywhere, including two big blobs on her beige blouse. She was taught how to eat her food properly, not like a savage. Sitting here at the table, I wonder what I have in common with my sister, apart from sharing the same mother and father.

Her general demeanour is rude, abusive and slovenly. Yet she was an intelligent and witty individual back when we were kids. More often than not, she is lazy, takes little care in her appearance and wears oversized pyjamas whilst watching daytime TV. Her former husbands’ military pension keeps her going. But her online shopping habits are becoming an issue.

I know Lenore is expecting a big chunk of change from the reading of the will today. Especially with her being the eldest. I think she expects it to yield her a windfall.

Leon came next. He isn’t here today, but his bitch of a wife, Sophia, is. My brother is in the middle of a six year prison sentence for online banking fraud. My brother is a good guy and is the sibling I get on with best. He is easily led astray though. Most notably by his wife who has an hourglass figure and a serpentine mouth.

They have two beautiful twin sons, Arturo and Mateo, who are the absolute spit of their father. Our Scandinavian genes have proven to be far dominant than her Latin ones, giving the boys our fair skin and blond hair.

My brother asked for special dispensation release for our mother’s funeral, but he was denied. In our mother’s eye, Leon was the white haired boy. He was the softest, most intelligent and kind hearted of us all. Which is why he was serving the jail sentence.

He couldn’t say no to a good looking woman. instead of giving up Sophia’s brother, who had talked him into risking everything for a quick score. My brother, being ever loyal, took the blame for everything, including the idea.

Sophia now smells blood. She could see herself picking up a sizeable amount of money for a four year marriage. My gut tells me that whatever proceeds go Leon’s way, Sophia is going to disappear with the lot. I honestly hope that she puts some away for the boys and their future education. Something tells me that it will go on a swimming pool and botox.

Third in line came the go-getter of our family, Leanne. She was always the overly talkative, nosy busybody who typifies the modern soccer Mom. She and Tom have a brood of six children, all of whom are fine kids. Leanne was the sibling who knew best, especially for everyone. She has a part time job as a real estate broker, earning money for something she was particularly good at – talking people into submission. Her smiling cheesy grin is emblazoned in bus shelters and sidewalk seats everywhere.

She has an opinion on everything, even if she knows nothing about the subject. Our late father, Len, mentioned once that Leanne “Would talk her way into heaven. St. Peter would meet her at the gate and after ten minutes of listening to her, he’d admit her just to get her out of his hair.”

She has that effect on everyone. Not that their kids seem anyway affected. They are all bright, sensitive and upstanding young men and women. Their father, Steven, spends much time overseas with the Navy. He seems to instil respect and manners into all of them whenever he is home.

Now as Lenore chomps down fries in the lawyers office, Leanne is already trying to talk her sister into investing her share into property she has an interest in. Some things never change.

And last out of our mothers’ womb came me – Lennon. I have decided to attend this reading on my own. My wife Trudy, does not see eye to eye with many of my actual family. Especially the ladies.

Case in point was this office – if my wife were here, Sophia would have made some smartass remark about Trudy’s fashion sense or something similar. Leanne would have interjected asking for calm, yet would not have disagreed with Sophia. Lenore would have snorted something under her breath, adding to the confusion and you would have four women shouting like flapping hens in a chicken coop.

I was seen as the Golden Boy. I came along five years after Leanne. They were like steps of stairs before I interrupted the pattern. I was the quiet, methodical one. I never asked for anything from our wealthy parents. I worked hard for everything I earned. My actions spoke loudly.

I have my own small electrical business. I run a small and effective team of four engineers and two apprentices. Money hasn’t been as tight as years gone by, but I have earned enough to ensure that our only son, Andrew, and my wife live comfortably. I am here out of respect to our mother’s wishes, for her will be read aloud.

At 3pm, we are all summoned into an old oak panelled room. A long mahogany conference table fills the centre, flanked by four comfortable back leather chairs on either side. We take a seat each, all on the same side. Sophia is clearly uncomfortable sitting beside any of us. She takes the safe option of sitting beside me.

Two minutes later, our mother’s attorney, Jeff, comes swishing into the conference room. He is all action and little fuss.

“I appreciate your attendance at today’s reading. This shouldn’t take too much of your time Ladies and Gentlemen. I now read to you the last will and testament of Lily Ahlberg. It is her wish that her entire proceeds, monies and estate to go to the Jackson County Animal Shelter in Wilmington. And in her words, the rest of you all can go to hell.”

Cue stunned silence, coughing, throwing of an ashtray and banging of the table. Quickly followed by utter consternation, screaming and argument amongst the women.

I laugh heartily. Well done Mum.