Pile Cream for Simon.

The twenty year reunion was going well. People were all having a good time. The canapes were going down a treat. Laughter and the sound of the background tinkly piano music filled the room. The warm seaside summer breeze blew through the open French doors, that led to the underwater lights of the pool. The waterfall flowed constantly into it, keeping the lights flickering at the guests above.

My mother stumbled over to the piano, asking the young Hispanic man to play one of her favourite tunes from The Waterboys. He looked at her watery eyes with a smile, paused and fiddled with his pink bow tie. I knew I needed to get her back to the hotel, to put her to bed. Making excuses and exiting around the back by the pool, I hailed a taxi. I felt a little woozy myself as the warm air brushed my face.

Back at the Waterside Hilton, getting my Mum back to the room was no easy task. The fresh air had made her legs more wibbily and wobbly than I remembered leaving the party. She fell into the bedroom, narrowly missing the stand that had two small bottles of mineral water atop. She started to make snow angels lying on her face in the plush carpet. Picking her up from the floor, I heard a knock at the door.

Standing in front of me was a pretty young woman dressed in a sparkly red dress. She was quite beautiful, with long legs and long straight jet black hair. Her red lipstick was smudged and eyes were dilated. She too, was unsteady on her feet. She knew, upon seeing my face, that she had knocked on the wrong bedroom door.

"Is Simon in there?"

"I think you may have the wrong room. Simon who?"

"You know that famous one?"

"Em, no.Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry to bother you Madam - but would you happen to have some eh, pile cream?"

"Would you believe, I think my mother does in her wash bag. Do you want to come in for a moment?"

"Okay so. Can I lie down here for a moment? Who is this here?"

"Eh, no don't lie down as that's my mother laying there. Who left the tap running in here?"

"Here you go. Do you know what room Simon is in?"

"Eh, I think it ends in a 23 or 36."

"Okay then - what floor?"

"Em, 36 or 23. Or is it the penthouse?"

"Well I don't know either so, lets start from the top down."

Waking my mother and taking her with our new friend in the red dress, we went in search of Simon. We meet a burly bodyguard in the hallway of the penthouse floor. He was sweating heavily in a pale blue suit. I notice how soft it feels as he brushes by me, ushering us back into the waterfall inspired lift.

Propping the two inebriated women up with the assistance of my new bodyguard friend in a small
space isn't easy. The silver mirrored handlebars at waist level help though. The elevator pings and we exit into the underground parking lot. The open door of a long black stretch limo greets us. I hear water trickling into a drain nearby.

And then my mother sobers up with the roar of a familiar English voice and four tersely spoken words.

"GET IN THE CAR!"

"That's Simon," whispers our friend in the red dress.

We slowly get into the car and I can see from my mother's face that she is starstruck.
Simon sat in the backseat, stirring an iced tumbler of clear liquid in his right hand.

"Are you here to apply the cream?" asks Simon of my mother.

"Cream? What are ya on about?"

"I think he means this stuff Mom."

"Pile Cream? Are you for real? Do you actually pay people to apply that for you? Are you that fecking lazy and up yer own hole?"

"I'm not sure you understand Madam."

"I don't care how rich you are or who you are, but I'm not putting my hands anywhere near your arse! I'm from Ireland and that type of behaviour isn't normal no matter where you're from! Whether we're here in LA or at home!"

"Excuse me? Do you know who I am?"

"Yes I know who you are - you're going to drop us back to the party and my mitts are going firmly back into the pockets of me holiday trousers."

"Madam - that cream is not for my bottom but for my.."

Our odd conversation took a sudden, odd turn like a 90 degree bend in a river.
The car had pulled out in front of the hotel and passed other high rise buildings. The driver screeched the car to a halt when the body impacted the front windscreen, smashing and frightening us all half to death.

I was seated behind the driver. I stepped out of the vehicle.

I stared at the semi-naked woman impacted into the front of the limousine. Her light pink camisole and small white knickers began to turn the colour of red.

Her hand was outstretched over the side of the car. Water dripped, mixed with blood from her fingertips. I watched those droplets fall to the tarmac and pool in the streetlight.

Then the dream ended.

I got up because I needed to pee - really badly.